Forgiveness: Spiritual & Medical Implications by Christina Puchalski

This is an interesting article taken from The Yale Journal for Humanities in Medicine.

“Forgiveness: Spiritual and Medical Implications”  by Christina Puchalski, MD.

(http://info.med.yale.edu/intmed/hummed/yjhm/spirit/forgiveness/cpuchalski.htm)

 

MP900385327“On a societal level, we face social injustice, urban crime, terrorist acts and war. These realities of society can also lead to resentment, territorialism and hatred. While many of these aspects of our society are wrong and perhaps even warrant a justifiable anger and hatred until we can forgive even the most horrendous of these acts, how can we as a society, or as a civilization, live together in peace? Thus, forgiveness is the basic building block of a tolerant society.
There have been many studies looking at the role of forgiveness in health. Unforgiving persons have increased anxiety symptoms, increased paranoia, increased narcissism, increased frequency of psycho-somatic complications, increased incidence of heart disease and less resistance to physical illness. Others have found that people who are unable to forgive themselves or others also have an increased incidence of depression and callousness toward others. The act of forgiveness can result in less anxiety and depression, better health outcomes, increased coping with stress, and increased closeness to God and others.
MP900440326There have been numerous studies looking at forgiveness interventions. The interventions involved counseling and exercises which were used to help people move from anger and resentment towards forgiveness. In one study, incest survivors who experienced the forgiveness intervention had at the end of the intervention increased abilities to forgive others, increased hopefulness and decreased levels of anxiety and depression. In another study, college students were randomized to a group that received a forgiveness education program and another group who studied human relations. The group that received the forgiveness education program showed higher levels of hope and an increased willingness to forgive others. This greater self-forgiveness was associated with increased self-esteem, lower levels of anxiety, lower levels of depression and a more positive view of their patient.
In many of these studies, it was shown that people who are able to forgive are more likely to have better interpersonal functioning and therefore social support. In terms of social support, there is a large body of literature that demonstrated the value of social support. Social support has been shown to reduce cardiovascular risks, promote faster recovery and increased survival rates from several types of cancer. Therefore, forgiveness, since it improved interpersonal functioning, might mediate these better health outcomes through the ability of people to have increased social support.
MP900289480Thus, act of forgiving from a research end seems to indicate that forgiveness can improve personal, interpersonal, and societal well-being.”

Understanding Self Harm By Jamie Porter

Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailI’m often asked WHY cutters cut. For those that do not cut, they have difficulties seeing how something that appears to be so painful can cause a relief? It’s beyond their mind’s capacity to understand why someone would do this to themselves. The hardest part about trying to answer what appears to be a simple question is that there is not a simple answer. I’d like to take a moment to share with you what I have experienced as a clinician, what I have read from books, collected from research, and have heard from the mouths of my clients. Secondly, I’d like to share some basic tools or coping skills to gather and use as a lay person, a parent, a friend or a therapist. My greatest goal is that you build an ability to be open-minded to help those that are hurting.
Cutting is a form of communication. At the basics of cutting, self-harmers live in a world where they are either afraid to speak their true emotions, will be criticized if they do, or lack the ability to articulate their emotions. Our job as clinicians is to help bridge the gap. We must help our clients find a healthier coping skill, build verbal communication, and help mend emotional turmoil.

1.  First, we must assess the cutters. Most cutters cut to avoid suicide. This is a very important concept we must teach the parents’ of cutters. However, there is a small number that actually have suicidal ideation while cutting, and an even smaller number (4%) that have actually died from self-harm. If this is the case, it is important that we refer our clients to the nearest hospital and make sure that their families are aware that they must be under greater supervision than one-hour a week therapy sessions.

 

2.  We start to help our clients to build a vocabulary list of emotions felt before, during and after conflict-cutting.

 

3.  We help them go over coping skills that can be traded for cutting. We need to help our clients heal the internal and external pain. We must be compassionate for each client will have a different reason for cutting. ‘I want to feel alive’, ‘ I want to stop the bad feelings’, I want to feel numb’, ‘It makes me feel numb’, ‘It’s my way to avoid people, punishment, consequences’, ‘It’s my way of control’, ‘I’m bored’, ‘It’s my way to punish myself’, and/or ‘I want to be paid attention to’. If we can understand their pain, we can help our clients communicate that to those around them.
For parents, some basic tools include opening lines of communication, listening to your child, not judging, not giving ultimatums/threats/punishment, help aid their cuts and provide medical assistance if needed, and help them find professional help to process their pain/emotions. Most importantly, for a parent to remind their child that they deserve to be happy and that you are trying to be there for them, not against them, could be most beneficial.
Sick Young Woman Lying in BedFor the therapist/clinician, starting off with an impulse-control log, can help your client start to document how often, where, when, with what tool, and emotions attached to the behavior. You can also help start to identify some healthy coping skills including writing, drawing, music, physical activity, art, meditation, etc. One of the greatest tasks as a clinician is to help the client vocalize their emotions to their parent and to get a response that will not only verbally and emotionally be a safe response, but physically. Most of our clients lack a relationship of verbal comfort or even physical comfort (hugs). It can be a long process for clients that are fearful to open up. We must instill safeness again and remind our clients that their current level of coping is not healthy for themselves or their families.
Cutting is a topic that some clinicians stay far away from and that parents are highly fearful of. I want to remind both clinicians and parents that suicide is not the ultimate goal for cutters. I want to demystify the behavior and build a sense of clarity and compassion for those who are fighting the battle and those that watch the fighting battle. For ‘self injury is a sign of distress not madness’. – Corey Anderson

 

Resources:
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Mental Health of America: www.mentalhealthamerica.net
Cornell Research Program on Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents and Young Adults: www.crpsib.com/researces.asp
S.A.F.E. Alternatives (Self-Abuse Finally Ends):  www.selfinjury.com
Self-Harm: Recovery, Advice and Support: www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm
Self-Injurious Behavior Webcast:  www.albany.edu/sph/coned/t2b2injurious.hmt
KidsHealth: www.kidshealth.org
Christianity Today: www.christianitytoday.com/cl.2004/005/29.18.html
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: www.aacap.org
Book:
Strong, Marilee (1998). A Bright Red Scream. New York, New York: Viking Press.
Conterio, K. and W. Lader, Ph.D. (1998). Bodily Harm. The breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers. New York, New
York: Hyperion.
Magazine:
The Prevention Researcher. Parental Guidelines for Preventing and Constructively Managing Inevitable Self-Injuring Slips, 19, February 2010

 

Jamie Cropped2About the Author:  Jamie Porter has a Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from UHCL. She has worked in non-profit settings working with women, adolescents, children, families, couples, and equine assisted psychotherapy. She is currently the Sugar Land Center for Couples & Families office manager, and  an AAMFT approved supervisor.

Fight Fair by Kenneth Jeppesen, MS, LMFTA

business man with laptop over head - madSurveys have shown that for the most part, couples divorce because they don’t feel loved. One of the biggest things that makes us feel like our spouse doesn’t love us is fighting. Since we can’t expect to remove all conflict from marriage, what are we supposed to do? The answer is to change the way we fight. Today I’ll share one thing that can start to change the way you fight.

When we get in a fight with our spouse, our emotions are running high, and we feel attacked. Researcher John Gottman has found that we experience the fight-or-flight response which he calls being “flooded.” Our heart rate gets up around 100 beats per minute, our digestion stops, the blood rushes out of our limbs to prevent from us bleeding to death if injured, and most importantly, our brain mostly shuts off except for one part. The part of our brain that is highly active during fights is the part that looks for threats. And when we are in a fight, we perceive our spouse to be a threat. Even if there is never any physical violence, there is a very real threat to our self-esteem and our happiness if we are in conflict with the person we are supposed to love and cherish. When we are flooded and our brains are on high alert for threat, almost anything we say will cause more harm than good.

For this reason, Dr. Gottman recommends a time-out. It takes at least twenty minutes for our bodies to calm back down. While we take this time-out, we can’t be thinking about the argument, or we will continue to be in this state of physiological arousal. In order to calm down, we have to think soothing and calming thoughts. Dr. Gottman has found through his research that men have a harder time with this. Men are more likely to mull the argument over in their heads, thinking thoughts like, “I shouldn’t have to put up with this.” Women are much better at thinking thoughts like, “Everything is going to be fine, we’re still in love.”

MP900387517It is a lot harder to think calming thoughts when we are charged up with emotional energy. It can be very helpful to do something physically demanding during the twenty minute time-out that will drain that energy. Sprinting, for example, is quite effective. Afterwards it’s much easier to take control of the thoughts we’re thinking about our spouse and relationship. Meditation is a powerful tool that can help with this if we will develop it as a skill.

When you feel yourself getting flooded with emotion and adrenaline, that’s when it’s time for a break. But walking away from your spouse during an argument can make things much worse. When you call a time out, make sure that you agree on a time when you will come back together to continue the discussion. In part two, I’ll share how to make the fights less distressing in the first place.

Kenneth-Jeppesen-Headshot-e14380277335081About the Author: Kenneth Jeppesen is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He earned a bachelor’s degree in Child and Family Studies from Weber State University, and a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Converse College in Spartanburg, South Carolina. He is currently at the Provo Center for Couples and Families

Resolutions That Lead to Happiness by Dr. Matt Brown

business teamAs we welcome in the New Year, we often reflect on ways in which we would like to improve. Many of us formalize these reflections with New Year’s resolutions or other goals aimed at focusing and tracking our change efforts. Many of these goals often deal with personal fitness, finances, and employment. While these are worthy endeavors, we may be better served by focusing on areas that have been shown to increase happiness and well-being.

While we all have a personal set point that accounts for around 50% of our happiness, there is a lot within our power to change how we feel. In fact, research has shown that 40% of our happiness is accounted for by intentional activities—the things we do to make ourselves happy. So, what activities should we engage in if we are trying to improve our lives? Research has identified the following three areas of intentional activities:

1. Time With Family and Friends

Social relationships have been shown to be the single biggest predictor of our happiness. Particularly, close relationships with family and friends play a major role in our well-being. To put things in perspective, a leading researcher in the field of happiness, Robert Putnam, has found that getting married produces the same boost in happiness as quadrupling your salary. Similarly, the increase in happiness is the same when you triple your salary or make a good friend. Given these findings, it seems obvious that if we are trying to make our lives better, relationships should be a part of any efforts we make in that direction. Spending quality time with those closest to us might be our top priority for the New Year.

2. Flow—Losing Yourself in the Moment

?????????????????????The term “flow” has been used to describe the process of being fully and actively engaged in an activity we enjoy. You’ve probably had moments where you are doing something you are good at and everything feels right for that moment. People often experience flow around physical activities, creating something, or engaging your mind in a difficult task. These are often typical, mundane tasks, yet they allow us to fully engage and enjoy the process. There is a strong correlation between this process and our happiness. Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions revolve around personal fitness, but often focus on weight loss. It might be more helpful to see these goals, and others, and times for you to engage in flow and truly enjoy the process.

3. Finding Purpose

balancePerhaps due to the fact that we are social beings, we need to know that we are needed and that what we do matters. Our happiness increases when we engage in activities that serve the greater good. In fact, several studies have shown that giving money away produces more happiness than earning it. Similarly, acts of kindness, however small and seemingly insignificant, also lead to happier lives. They also have the added benefit of potentially increasing our social connectedness, which is the biggest predictor of happiness. The beginning of the year is an excellent time to look beyond ourselves and plug in to activities and organizations that serve those in need.

As we all consider the changes we would like to make this coming year, we would be wise to work toward balancing the demands of life with those things that matter most. This can be difficult, and we often feel defeated when we are confronted with certain aspects of our daily lives that seemingly will not change. However, small, consistent efforts are often more impactful than the large, once a year changes. Make intentional time for those you care about on a daily basis. Communicate your appreciation to them more often. Find small ways to enjoy day-to-day tasks, and make time to develop new skills that will allow you to simply enjoy being engaged. Reach out to others and find ways to be needed. As we all focus our goals and efforts in these three areas, may we all find increased happiness and well-being this New Year.

mattAbout the Author: Dr. Matt Brown is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He holds a doctorate degree from Texas Tech University and a master’s degree from Brigham Young University. He is currently Assistant Professor and Program Director in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Houston-Clear Lake and the Clinic Manager at the South Shore Center for Couples and Families.